


still now that's something i could never forget

by notthebigspoon



Category: Baseball RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-12
Updated: 2013-11-12
Packaged: 2018-01-01 07:22:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,492
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1042001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notthebigspoon/pseuds/notthebigspoon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Riley knows that he was basically sold to Roy. At least, that’s what it boiled down to. His father owed Roy a lot of money and Roy had a crush (his father’s words) on Riley and it was joked once that Roy would forget everything if Riley would marry him. But his father had bought into it. It was like he was a girl in the middle ages, pawned off via marriage to pay a debt. That’s all it was.</p><p>Title taken from All or Nothing by Theory of a Deadman.</p>
            </blockquote>





	still now that's something i could never forget

He can’t stop seething, can’t get over the rage and hurt and upset because goddammit, Daniel is so goddamned small and you don’t take cheap shots like that, not in their town. He surges forward, tackles the guy to the ground and lets the punches fly. The fight is broken up by the refs, one of them yanking him to his feet and shoving him back, telling him he’s done for the night, he’s out.

Riley barely hears the deafening cheers as he stalks off the field. He pushes his sweaty hair out of his face and stops short when he sees his dad. He winces, because he’s probably going to be angry, say something about Riley fucking with his free ride to college. Concerns about what his father thinks are at the back of his mind though. Dirty blonde hair, blue eyes, a brilliant smile.

His father makes introductions. Roy Halladay, baseball player, old friend, etc. He barely wants to go shower, for fear that Roy will disappear but he does. Halladay is staying at their house, to his sheer joy. Not that the guy will want anything to do with Riley. He’s so much younger, he probably has someone, probably isn’t even gay. There’s a million and one reasons why Riley’s being an idiot and he’s pretty sure he’s thought of a million and two by the time he goes to bed.

The thing is... Roy sticks around. For days. He takes Riley out to dinner and sits up late talking to him. He pretends not to hear the awful things that Riley’s dad says, though there’s an anger on his face that speaks different to his actions. One day, the only thing stopping him from throwing a punch is Riley grabbing his arm and giving him a pleading look to just not go for it, just please leave it alone. It’s not until his father has passed out drunk that Riley gets a chance to talk to him.

“Look, it’s just... he’s broke, okay? He’s really stressed out since the factory shut down and he drinks so much and he doesn’t mean any of it.”

“He shouldn’t... what the fuck is wrong with him, calling you a fag? Who treats their kid like that?”

“Well it’s not like it isn’t true.” Riley sighs, looking away. “He wants me gone. And I will be, once I graduate, but me being what I am. It doesn’t help. He thinks it’s wrong. I guess it is.”

“No it’s not.” Roy snaps, gripping his wrist. “You are who you are, there’s _nothing_ wrong with that. Do you understand me?”

“... Roy?”

“I’m getting you out of here, damn it. I’m not leaving you here with him.”

**************

Riley knows that he was basically sold to Roy. At least, that’s what it boiled down to. His father owed Roy a lot of money and Roy had a crush (his father’s words) on Riley and it was joked once that Roy would forget everything if Riley would marry him. But his father had bought into it. It was like he was a girl in the middle ages, pawned off via marriage to pay a debt. That’s all it was.

He can be fair though. He knows that Roy cares about him to a certain degree. He says he loves Riley although Riley thinks that’s an afterthought resultant of five years of marriage. Roy does and says all the right things. Riley wants for nothing and his husband has never been anything but kind to him. Riley would say he doesn’t know if he loves him or not, but he knows that if he has to ask that question, he doesn’t. He’s reasonably fond of him though, sometimes.

The fact remains that, when all is said and done, Riley is something that Roy bought. Maybe that’s what makes him do it.

It starts during a trip to LA. Roy decides that since he’s on the 60 day DL, maybe they can at least go take a vacation. He complies easily enough, goes to watch an Angels game while Roy’s sleeping off a hangover. He eats lunch on his own, or starts to, smiling when CJ Wilson drops down next to him and asks how he’s been. He’s only met the guy once, he was nice then and maybe he made an impression.

He blandly explains why he’s alone instead of with his husband and shifts the conversation to something more pleasant. They talk about their favorite cartoons and the fact that neither of them is big on drugs or alcohol. The aversion to casual sex fascinates Riley and he probably asks more questions than he really should. CJ is flushed and embarrassed and Riley’s about to apologize when CJ kisses him.

It’s the start of a year long affair. They sleep together whenever the two teams meet and in general whenever they can manage to be in the same city. There’s texts, emails. He feels guilty as hell because even though Roy pretty much bought him, he’s never treated him badly. Maybe he really means it when he says that he loves Riley.

He comes home on his birthday with damp hair and skin. He took a shower to wash away the smell of sex but he wonders if it lingers around him. Roy is brooding in the living room with a few fingers of whiskey. Riley hesitates and says a good morning as he pitches his keys at the bowl in the hall. Roy doesn’t look up.

“How’s Wilson?”

Riley freezes, swallows against the chill and the panic. “I... Roy, I’m so sorry.”

“I’ve known for months.” He mumbles, taking a gulp of his whiskey. “I didn’t know why, then. I figured it out though. You don’t love me... you married me because you thought that you had to. What seventeen year old wants to marry a guy in his thirties?”

“Roy-”

His husband continues as if Riley hadn’t spoken. “I kept thinking that maybe... maybe if I was good to you, was sweet to you, loved you... that maybe I could change your mind. Guess I thought wrong.”

“Roy, I’m sorry.”

“S’not your fault... guess I just fooled myself.” Roy answers sadly, offering him a sad and broken smile before looking away. “Happy Birthday baby. Your present is in our room.”

Riley looks away and climbs the stairs, sliding onto the bed and picking up the box waiting for him. It’s the bracelet he’s looked at every time they go to the mall but somehow just never bought for himself, tied to a bag of his favorite gummy penguins. He pushes the box away, buries his face in his knees and cries.

****

**********

He’s loved Riley from the second he laid eyes on him. He’d loaned money to an old friend, gone to visit him and just check things out. The first night they’d went to a football game at the high school and he’d seen Riley get thrown out of a game for starting a fight with a guy that took a cheap shot at the kicker. The kid had stalked off angry, met with his dad and Roy. His dad was proud but all Roy could do was stare. Riley was the most beautiful person he’d ever seen.

Luther had gotten further and further in debt to him. Roy knew he’d never pay him back. The thing about trading Riley for the debt really had been a joke. But Luther had said yes... he’d told Riley the ‘deal’ and Riley had watched Roy for a long time before shrugging. The kid was loyal, he would have done anything necessary to help his father. If that meant marrying a 33 year old man when he was only 17, he’d do it.

There’s never been any delusion, really. Roy knew that he wasn’t Riley’s first choice and probably wasn’t even in the top twenty. He’d thought that maybe if he showed Riley how much he loved him, then maybe Riley would eventually change his mind about him. And sometimes it felt like it had. But maybe that was just a habit. Maybe after three years he’d just settled into a routine, saying and doing all the right things.

Finding out about Wilson and Riley had been like taking a knife to the gut. He’d borrowed his husband’s phone when running out to the store because he’d broken his own. He got the new one, started to call Riley to see if they needed anything from the grocery store. He hadn’t been snooping, he never snooped through Riley’s things. The message from Wilson had just popped up on the screen. _Then_ he’d looked. There were hundreds of messages and emails, dozens of picture.

His husband was cheating on him and he had been for a long time.

He tries to pretend that nothing’s going on, that everything is normal. He knows where Riley is going when he slips away on flimsy excuses that Roy had been too stupid to ever question before. By the time they reach Riley’s birthday, he’s too tired to keep up the charade any longer. He leaves Riley’s present on the bed, tells his husband he knows about the affair and closes his eyes against the hurt.

It’s pathetic but he knows that he isn’t going to leave. He’s going to wait until Riley leaves him because he doesn’t want to be alone and in spite of everything, he still loves his husband. He can’t make himself stop loving Riley, even if a part of him wishes he’d never met Riley, if that would be what could make the hurt go away.

****

**********

Roy’s had the divorce papers drawn up. Riley gets his truck, one of the houses and half of everything else. It just seems fair, even though the lawyers said he could probably get Riley on the grounds of fraud and not have to pay him anything. That’s not what Roy wants. He’s not angry and he doesn’t want revenge. That wouldn’t help him, wouldn’t change anything. He gives them to Riley before going upstairs and shutting himself up in the game room to drink.

He’s on his second glass of whiskey when he hears the door open. He closes his eyes and lets out a long breath, prepares him to see Riley’s signature where the little flags have been stuck to the papers. Riley takes the whiskey from his hand, puts it aside and grips Roy’s chin, tipping his head until he’s looking up. His lips are on Roy’s as he climbs into Roy’s lap, pulling Roy’s hands onto his hips.

So this is it. A pity fuck, one more for the road and what does it say about Roy that he doesn’t have enough pride to reject this? He’d give anything for one last night with his husband and he’s going to take it. Riley lets him kiss him, take him to bed. He lets Roy fuck him, even puts on a good show of enjoy it, rolling his hips, digging his fingers into Roy’s skin. A few marks as a souvenir that will eventually fade.

They fall apart afterward, landing on opposite sides of the bed. Roy stares at the ceiling. He thought he would have maybe felt a little better. All he feels is the ache of knowing that sometime in the next few days, his husband is going to leave him and he’ll never come back. He’ll probably go to be with Wilson. A hand on his chest startles him.

He looks at Riley before covering his eyes with his arm and shaking his head. “Don’t. Just... just take the one for the road. I know what this was.”

“I don’t want the divorce.” Riley says softly. Roy doesn’t look at him but that doesn’t deter him. His husband’s body presses against his own. “I want another chance.”

**************

“I read this book for one of my freshman lit classes, this fictional history of London.” Riley says softly, staring at his vodka. “There’s this part where this girl, she marries the son of a man that her father is in debt to. In return, her new father in law discharges the debt.”

Jason stares at Riley. He’s played with him for three years and Riley has never spoken of anything deeper than football and baseball scores. He was under the impression that Riley, like so many of their teammates, got someone else to do the work for him. It was one of those things that bothered him but he never said anything about in the interest of maintaining their friendship.

“I got married when I was seventeen. My dad owed him a lot of money... I never really looked at it that way until I read that book. I’d been sold, pretty much. Bartered or whatever maybe. And I knew my husband cared about me, I knew he treated me kindly and gave me presents but I was never sure if he loved me or if it was some sort of arrangement.”

Jason frowns. “And you’ve been married to him all this time not caring about him?”

“I cared about him.” Riley shrugs. “Kind of an indifferent affection. Sure, we had sex... and it was good, Roy’s great in bed. The affair, that was different.”

“This is getting weird.”

“I loved CJ. I mean, I thought I did... I did. And then I came home on my last birthday and Roy _knew_. All I could do was cry because I’d hurt him so badly when he loved me. He always has. He didn’t know I married him because I felt obligated to... he thought I loved him, that I’d finally noticed him. He had his lawyer draw up divorce papers. So I could get out, be with CJ.”

“What happened then?” Jason asks. He can’t hide the curiosity. “Are you still married?”

“Yeah. I realized what an asshole I was. I asked him for another chance. He gave it to me.”

“Keep going.”

“I just feel like such an idiot... I miss him when he’s gone. I hate it when he’s hurt or upset. If he doesn’t call when he’s gone or I’m gone, I get depressed and wonder what I did wrong. There’s no shortage of people ready to take my place. I am fucking in love with my husband and I have no idea what to do with that.”

“You know this is really fucked up, right?”

“Yeah.” Riley laughs, dark and bitter. “I’m the worst husband on the planet. I just want to make him happy and yet I don’t feel like I have a right to and that he’d have _every_ right to kick me to the curb.”

“Where is he?”

“Road trip. Flying back tonight.”

“So go meet him.” Jason snaps. “Good grief, you love your husband and he forgave you and still loves you. Some people have it a whole lot worse. There’s worse things than being in love with your husband.”

“But-”

“Go meet him. Sick of your moping.”

**************

Riley wants a second chance. He’s admitted that what he did was wrong and he does seem to regret hurting Roy. Roy could never make him leave anyway and he wanted another shot too. Maybe now that Riley knows he really does love him, maybe Riley can learn to love Roy. Roy takes him on more date nights, something that had been dwindling into nothingness before. He starts bringing him flowers again.

When Riley is on the road with his own team, or home alone while Roy is on the road, he gets nervous. He’s doing his best to trust Riley and give him space but he just can’t forget that quickly. They talk on the phone every night. The conversations have grown warmer. Riley says ‘I love you’ whenever he hangs up, same as they always have, but there’s something new in it. More affection.

After spending the San Francisco roadtrip pacing Pence’s living room and venting every last fear while the guy’s boyfriends sat in the corner and muttered in Spanish, he goes home and sees his husband for the first time in two weeks. He wonders if Riley will even be home. It’s early in the evening. He could still be at school or might have gone out with friends, might be at practice.

Instead, he’s waiting in the airport, chewing gum and jiggling his foot, looking around impatiently, When he sees Roy, he’s up on his feet, smiling and crossing the terminal. His arms go around Roy and he leans up on his toes to press a kiss to his lips, grinning and whispering that he missed him. Those green eyes are shining and he means it, holy shit he means it, Roy’s husband finally _loves_ him.

Roy chokes back a sob and buries his face in Riley’s shoulder. There’s a soft laugh and Riley rubs his back, kisses his hair and tells him that he wants to go home, the house has been too empty without him. Roy wipes the tears away, forces himself to get his emotions back in check before taking his husband’s hand and following him out of the airport. They climb into Riley’s truck and he can’t help falling apart again the second the door is shut.

His husband reaches out and pulls him close, kisses his hair and sighs quietly before whispering another apology,

“I love you... I love you, Roy.”

Roy believes him.

****

**********

"So. You've been married for a few years. Never said anything. Fear for the repercussions of being open?"

"No. Nobody ever asked and I didn't see the point."

"You're happy?"

"Ecstatic. It was love at first sight... well, for me."

"For your husband?"

"I had to chase him. A long time..."

"You okay?"

"I'm fine. Anyway, he's... he's everything. We didn't really get a honeymoon. We married during the season, the day after he graduated from high school. We went to the park after... I pitched a perfect game. I never would have if it wasn't for him. He's everything, he's my life."

****

**********

"Wh-what are you doing?"

"Sitting." Riley answers simply, settling into his lap and smiling when his husband's hands automatically go to his hips to steady him. "I like this spot. S'comfortable."

Roy breaks into the broad, bright grin that he loves so much. The corners of his eyes crinkle and his eyes light up. His cheeks flood red when Riley kisses him and he gets that shy, pleading look, like he still thinks he has to convince Riley to be here. When Riley runs a hand up his arm and touches his cheek, the look turns... it's indescribable, almost desperate. Roy buries his face in his chest and Riley sifts his fingers into his husband's hair, kissing the top of his head and whispering 'I love you', clenching his own eyes shut at the sob that chokes out.

He doesn't deserve Roy. He's glad Roy thinks differently.

****

**********

"... this is our anniversary dinner."

"Yes." Riley answers, blushing darkly. "I... you took me here on our first date."

"Yeah, you had a royale, cheese fries and an M&M milkshake." Roy answers absently, picking up the menu and blinking when he catches his husband staring at him. "What?"

"How do you _remember_ that stuff?"

Roy shrugs. "Call me a creeper, but I remember everything about you."

"You're _my_ creeper."

"Love you too squishy." 

****

***********

"You're the best quarterback Bama has ever seen. NFL teams would have fought over you. And you're just... you're quitting. How can you just walk away from football? Doesn't it hurt?"

Riley flinches and hesitates before swallowing hard. He'd agreed to the interview with the Crimson White, he hadn't expected it to be difficult right off the get go. "Um, yeah. Yeah, a little. I mean, I loved playing and I'll be a Bama guy to the grave, but when you move on, you move on."

"Did your husband play a part in your decision?"

"If by play a part, you mean I took our life together into consideration, yes." Riley shrugs. "I didn't want to be apart from my husband that much. Football was a small price to pay compared to what I would lose with the man I love."

"How did he take it?"

"Raised the roof. Said he wasn't having it. Told him tough."

"And then?"

"He bought me five pounds of gummi penguins."

**************

"Did you really even want to go to Alabama?"

"Since I played Pop Warner."

"But why?"

"Dunno. It was just always Bama for me."

"And when you married me?"

"Don't take this the wrong way, but that also meant I didn't have to rely entirely on a scholarship. And it wasn't like I didn't like you. I cared about you."

"Should have gone pro."

"I liked playing football. It's not what I want to build my life around."

"And what did you want to build it around?"

"You."


End file.
